


Rest Peacefully Now, Though I Never Will Again

by bakanekofan



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Gen, Graduation, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Past Character Death, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-01-23
Packaged: 2019-10-14 14:31:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17510378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bakanekofan/pseuds/bakanekofan
Summary: An AU in which Michael died in the fire, meaning the Squip Squad never got their hands on Mountain Dew Red and learned to live with their Squips, and Jeremy didn't even know Michael was dead.





	1. I Didn't Even Know

**Author's Note:**

> Well, what can I say? Brace yourselves. I don't know why or how I came up with the idea for this fanfiction but for some reason I wrote it and now I'm suffering so I'm sharing it with all of you so you can suffer, too. I'm generous like that.

Graduation day. A time for reflection, and a time to look to the future. Feeling a bit nostalgic, Jeremy’s mind wandered back to a time before the Squip. Sure, there had been a time where he wanted it out, but he’d gotten over that pretty quickly once Christine got one of her own, and now? Now he had everything he ever wanted, just like the Squip had promised. Christine was his, and he was one of the most popular boys in school. No, he’d never be Jake Dillinger, but what was wrong with that? At least he wasn’t constantly being abused by his classmates, he had self-esteem.

But that wasn’t his focus in that moment. Instead, his mind was on Michael. Michael Mell, his former best friend. He hadn’t seen or heard from Michael since the Halloween party Junior year, but he figured the Squip helped him with that. Optic Nerve Blocking. Besides, Michael probably hated him after what happened, so he didn’t think much of it. He wondered if Michael was right, if he’d actually find his niche in college. Jeremy already had found his, and with the Squip by his side, he knew that wouldn’t change in college. For the moment, the Squip was off- he might have done a bit of pre-graduation celebrating with his friends that may or may not have involved drinking, but who cares? He wasn’t like, falling down drunk, just a little buzzed… But sober enough to notice that they passed from the “M” names to the “N” names without calling Michael Mell.

Curious, at the graduation afterparty, Jeremy pulled Rich aside and asked, “Hey, Rich? Why didn’t they call Michael’s name at the ceremony? I mean, he wasn’t the best student, but he still should have graduated, right?”

Rich stared blankly at Jeremy for a time, “Michael? Doesn’t ring a bell.”

Rolling his eyes, Jeremy clarified, “Michael Mell. The loser I used to hang out with before the Squip.”

“Antisocial headphones kid?” Rich asked, seeming to understand now.

“Yes! Him! Why wasn’t he at the ceremony?” Jeremy repeated, beginning to lose his patience.

Rich appeared both confused and conflicted, “Dude… Don’t joke about that. That’s not cool.”

Now it was Jeremy’s turn to be confused, “What are you talking about?”

“I can’t tell if you’re making a really bad joke or if you seriously don’t know.” Rich confessed.

“What do I not know?”

“Jeremy… Michael’s dead.” The news hit Jeremy like a ton of bricks, “You remember that Halloween party junior year? You must have left before it happened. I went crazy trying to get my Squip out and set the place on fire. Apparently Michael had snuck in, but nobody knew to look for him because we didn’t know he was there. They found his body in the bathroom, so burnt up they had to identify him with dental records. Don’t you remember? School shut down for a week to mourn. Not that anybody would have missed the guy.”

“I thought that was just to reflect on what happened! I didn’t-” Jeremy was panicking now. Michael was dead? No, worse. He was the last person to see him alive, and the last thing he’d done was call him a loser. “I thought I didn’t see him after that because of optic nerve blocking, I never…” He backed away from Rich and ran from the school to Michael’s house. Breathless and sweating, he rang the bell repeatedly until the door opened. Looking up, he saw Mrs. Mell, who, after taking one look at Jeremy, tried to close the door in his face. “W-wait! Please!”

“Why? You didn’t even come to his funeral. No one did. I know because it was just me, the eulogist, and the closed casket.” Mrs. Mell hissed, “He was your best friend, Jeremy. You were his only friend, and he loved you more than anything in the world. How could you?”

Hanging his head, Jeremy said in the softest voice he had ever heard come from his own mouth, “I’m sorry. I didn’t even know. I had no idea…”

“How could you not know? He went to that party to see you, he told me, he went to try to talk to you because you kept shutting him out and he was worried about you.” Mrs. Mell demanded.

“I know. I know, I saw him, but I left the party before the fire and I thought he did, too. We had a fight that night and… God, I’m such an idiot!” Tears began to flow freely as he mourned the loss of Michael. True he hadn’t missed him, but he’d never wished him ill.

Mrs. Mell inhaled shakily before finally reaching out and pulling Jeremy into a hug, “I don’t want to forgive you, but… I would be disgracing his memory if I didn’t.” She said quietly. “I haven’t touched his room since… If you want to go up there and say goodbye.”

When he regained his composure, Jeremy gulped out, “Please,” Allowing muscle memory to see him through Michael’s house to his room, Jeremy opened the door and froze. Michael’s room. God, so many memories, now all coated with a year and a half’s worth of dust. Mrs. Mell blessedly left him alone, and Jeremy went straight for the top drawer of Michael’s dresser. That was where he kept everything he considered important-his game collection, list of passwords for various websites, pictures of himself and Jeremy… But what greeted Jeremy when he opened the drawer was a bottle of Mountain Dew Red. He picked it up, cradling it to his chest as if it were an infant, and cried. Through his tears, he noticed something else. A note that had been hidden under the bottle.

It took him a while to get around to picking it up and sitting on the bed to read it.

 

_ Jeremy, _

 

_ I miss you more with each passing day. You’re drifting away and I don’t know if I have a rope long enough to save you anymore. I know you can’t see me, and I know you don’t believe me when I say the Squip is no good, but I wish you could. This note is my final attempt to get through to you, and I hope you’re even able to read it without that thing fucking it up and taking this away, too. I know the only person you see now is Christine. I know she’s all you want, and now that you have a chance with her, nothing else matters. I get that more than you know. I know because the same way you feel about Christine, I feel about you. Maybe more, because I actually know and love you, not the idea of you, and I know you think you have a chance with her now, and maybe you do, but that isn’t you, Jeremy. If you’re with Christine, you’re going to be living a false life guided by the Squip, you’re never going to be yourself again. You’re not going to be Jeremy anymore. Not my Jeremy. You’ll always be a twisted version of yourself and it hurts me to think of that. I want more for you. I want better for you. I want you to be yourself and be seen and loved for who you are. That precious boy who got so afraid to leave his mom on the first day of Kindergarten he pissed his pants. Do you remember that? You were trying to hide it but I knew, so I gave you my sweater since it was way huge and would cover you. You never gave it back, but I didn’t care. I even saw you wearing it a few times after that. Point is, I know the feeling probably isn’t mutual, and I’m probably wasting my time and pushing you even further toward the Squip but I gotta try. I miss you, Jeremy, and I’ll always love you, even if you’re only a memory to me now. However untrue it may be for you now, you’ll always be my favorite person. _

 

_ Love always, _

_ Michael _

 

By the time Jeremy finished reading, there were both wet and dried tear stains on the note. Michael had been crying when he wrote this. He probably- Jeremy checked the trash can, and, yes, there were several crumpled up pieces of paper just like the one he held in there. “Michael…” Jeremy squeaked out, his eyes falling onto the bottle. How had he even found out about the Red? And how had Jeremy not noticed  _ anything? _ Was he that oblivious? His Squip was starting to buzz back to life, the alcohol wearing off. He unscrewed the cap. This was his one chance. The one chance to make everything right, not for himself, but Michael. He poured the unnaturally red fluid into his mouth and swallowed hard, and the world went black.


	2. Michael?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy is in a coma from the Squip Deactivation and sees someone familiar. I've gotten a lot of feedback from you guys about wanting more so I'm here to serve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****PLEASE READ END NOTES****

Darkness. Darkness and an odd floating sensation, like he was in a pool. Jeremy imagined this is what those sensory deprivation tanks felt like. Floating in silence, nothing to see, and for once, he wasn’t completely overwhelmed with emotion. Not sadness over Michael, not anxiety, not even basic things like pain, hunger, or thirst. Nothing. All gave way to the void. He was fairly certain he was dead. It was the only logical explanation. A bright light appeared, but there was something in it- no. The light was resonating from something solid? As it came closer, the image got clearer, though the light was blinding. Blinking against it as his eyes struggled to adjust, Jeremy realized it wasn’t a something, but a someONE. Not just any someone, either. “M...Michael?”

It was hard, with the light, to tell what Michael’s expression was, but it was undoubtedly him. “Yeah.” Michael said, his tone almost unreadable.

“Am I-”

“You’re not dead, Jeremy. Not yet.” Michael assured him. “Somewhere in between. Like Limbo for coma patients. You know how some people wake up from comas saying they went to heaven? Saw God?”

“Oh.”

There was silence for a beat before Michael prompted, “Anything you want to say to me?”

Jeremy winced, “Michael, I’m so-”

“Save it.” Michael said impatiently, “I don’t want to hear about how sorry you are because we both know you’d do it all again in an instant if you got the same results.” Jeremy averted his gaze guiltily, “I just want to know why. Why I was never good enough, why you were never good enough for yourself, why you wouldn’t even fucking listen to me when I tried to warn you! I tried…” The emotion was returning to Michael’s voice now, and he seemed to shrink in stature, “You promised. Always be a team? Favorite person? Where was he at my goddamn funeral?”

Hanging his head, Jeremy said softly, “I didn’t know. The Squip must have blocked out any mention of you. I thought the reason I didn’t see you anymore was a combination of you hating me after the party and optic nerve blocking. I had no idea… I found out from Rich just a little while ago.”

“Would you have gone if you’d known?” Michael challenged, but was met with silence. “That’s what I thought.”

“Michael, I-”

“No! Jeremy, no. I don’t want false apologies, more fake promises you have no intention of keeping. You want to know the truth? What happened at the party? It wasn’t that I couldn’t escape. It wasn’t that I was trapped and helpless. I didn’t  _ want _ to. I heard people screaming. I felt the heat, saw the smoke come in under the door, fire alarms blaring. I didn’t care. I had time to get out, I just didn’t  _ want _ to. The only thing that made my life worth living had just cut all ties with me and left me alone, crying, having a panic attack, in a bathroom at a party I never even wanted to be at, a party I went to JUST for you, Jeremy. But none of that matters, right? You got with Christine, so I can just go fucking die I guess. What do I matter? You got everything you possibly could out of me. I didn’t escape. I didn’t want to. I doused myself in rubbing alcohol and Glade so when the fire reached me, I’d burn faster.” Jeremy swallowed, and there were definitely tears in his eyes, but Michael didn’t let up, “What the hell happened, Jeremy? What happened to you, huh? Where’d you go?”

“I’m right here! I-” Jeremy reached for Michael, but the image of him vanished, only to reappear behind him. Jeremy could only tell because of the light he was emitting. “I’m right here, Michael.”

“Are you, though? Is it you? Is it my Jeremy? Or is it the Jeremy you invented to fit in?” Michael asked harshly.

Jeremy shook his head, “I was in your room. I s-saw the Red… And the note. I drank it, Michael. It’s gone.”

Michael fell silent for a moment before saying quietly, “A bit late for that.”

“Better late than never. Michael, I know you don’t want to hear it, but I’m  _ sorry. _ For everything. I hurt you so much and I’m not going to ask forgiveness for it. I can’t even forgive myself, but I’m sorry. All you ever tried to do was be there for me and care for me and I… I fucked that up, big time. I can never take it back, I can never make it right.” Jeremy paused for a breath before finally meeting Michael’s gaze, “I’m sorry. You want to know why I took the Squip? Why I didn’t want to get rid of it? Because I’m NOT good enough. I never was, and I never will be. I fuck up every aspect of my life and this is just one glaring example of it. My mom, my grades, my anxiety, my relationships with literally anyone and everyone. It wasn’t about being cool. It was about erasing everything that was wrong with me. Every weird, gross bit about me, I could get rid of it all with just one little pill.”

“Guess I was part of the problem, huh?” Michael asked dryly.

“No!” Jeremy interjected quickly, “No, not you! Never you. I never meant to shut you out, I never meant to hurt you, Michael, I just…” He rubbed his arm awkwardly, “I just wanted to feel more normal around you. I wanted to bring back that feeling when we were little, when it was us against the world and there was no one I was more comfortable with. Where I could just sit and talk to you for hours and we’d share a bed without it being weird, cuddle watching movies and not even blink, I could hug you and not get lost in that feeling. I was afraid I’d scare you off if I brought it up. That I’d fuck up just like I’ve done with every relationship before or since and lose the one person who meant the most to me. Then, Halloween, I… God I was such an ass. I could see how much I was hurting you. I could hear it in your voice. How badly you just wanted things to go back to the way they were but it was  _ working. _ I felt normal, and maybe I didn’t see you around, but maybe that was a good thing. Maybe I could be normal and move on, and you would do the same. You’d be better off without me anyway. So I pushed you away. I convinced myself- or maybe the Squip had convinced me when it was on- that you were better off without me and I needed to let go. That you just needed one little push in the right direction and things would be better for both of us. I never… I never dreamed this could happen. I never would have wished that on you and if I could go back and change it all I would. Knowing what I know now? I would never have taken the Squip. I would have just told you the truth about what I feel and been done with it.”

“And what’s that?” Michael asked, his tone only slightly softened.

“That I…” Jeremy hesitated, tears flowing freely as he finally admitted, “I don’t know when it started or why, but I love you more than I should, Michael, and I’m so sorry for everything, and I just want one last chance to go back and change it all and-”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a bit of a warning, the next two "chapters" are not real chapters. They're two possible endings of this chapter that I couldn't decide between. So it's sort of a choose-your-own-path at this point. Here are the contestants.
> 
> Behind chapter number 3 is a sweet, happy little ending that will repair your heart after I, you know, crushed it to bits in these last two chapters. Sorry not sorry.
> 
> Behind chapter number 4 is an angst-ridden, short little blurb that will leave you unsatisfied and devastated.
> 
> So if you want a pick-me-up after reading this emotional rollercoaster, advance to chapter 3. If you want it to be more consistent in the pain it causes you, skip to chapter 4. If you want both, I guess read both, but be aware that they aren't meant to be read that way so it won't be like "reading chapter 3 will make chapter 4 make more sense.
> 
> Also I realize Jeremy says Michael's name entirely too much in this chapter, but think of it as a coping mechanism. He's trying to ground himself in the moment and make it more real by reminding himself audibly that Michael is there, talking to him, can see and hear him.


	3. Happy Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In case you didn't read the end notes of the last chapter, this is the happy ending. The next chapter is the angsty ending. If you're looking for more angst, please skip to chapter 4.

“Shh,” Michael said softly, taking his hand. It was so warm in Jeremy’s own it felt real. “There’s someone else who needs to hear this.”

“W-what?” Jeremy blinked, dazed and confused, but when he opened his eyes, bright lights filled his vision and he became acutely aware of a raging headache, but Michael’s hand… He could still feel that warmth. He forced his vision to focus on his hand. There was a needle sticking out of it- an IV, he realized. He was… in a hospital? More importantly, a mocha-toned hand lightly squeezed his own. His breathing nearly stopped, he could hear the heart monitor going crazy beside him and one concerned, blessed voice called out to him softly.

“Jeremy?”

There was no mistaking it. He lifted his gaze to see Michael, illuminated by the sterile lights of the hospital room just as he had been in his vision, concern etched in his features. “Michael?” Jeremy rasped, “Wha-” Jeremy never got to finish his question. Michael’s arms flew around him, pulling him into a bear hug.

“Jeremy! I’ve been worried sick! You and all the others passed out at the play after you made Christine drink the Red and-”

Jeremy shook his head, pulling away from Michael, “You were at the play?”

Michael seemed even more worried then, “Don’t you remember?”

“I… I thought you…” Jeremy swallowed thickly, tears welling up in his eyes as he clung to Michael, “I remember.” He lied.

Michael remained unconvinced, “Jeremy, what’s going on? Do you really remember? What… What do you remember?”

“You.” Jeremy replied with a weak smile, “I remember forcing everything about me out and hurting you so bad, but you always stuck by me and now you’re here and I just… I need to tell you something, Michael, and don’t try to question me or talk me out of it, okay? Just listen.” He drew himself away from Michael just enough to bring his hands up to Michael’s cheeks, which only deepened the worry lines on the boy’s face. “I don’t care what anyone says or thinks anymore. I don’t care what happens from now on. None of that matters. I was afraid of it before but I can’t afford to be anymore, there’s just too much at stake to keep hiding like this. Keep pretending, keep wishing that I wasn’t madly in love with my best friend.”

Jeremy had never seen Michael’s face get so red, “Jeremy? Should I be checking your drug chart? Because you sound like you’re suuuuper high right-”

“I’m not. Look at my eyes. I’m here. I love you, Michael. I’m not going to let anything come between us again.” Jeremy assured him softly.

Michael was silent for a time, searching, and for a fraction of a second, Jeremy started to panic. Had he said something wrong? Was it too soon? Was everything he just saw just a fever dream that- “You’re serious, aren’t you?” Jeremy forced himself to nod. “Why are you saying this now?”

“You told me to.” Jeremy replied honestly, smiling softly, “I had some weird, fucked-up dream and… You told me to.”

“We’re going to talk more about this dream later.” Michael said sternly before his face absolutely melted in Jeremy’s hands, “But you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to hear that.” Relief flooded Jeremy’s features and Michael pulled Jeremy against him again, cradling his head against his chest, “I love you too, Jeremy. I have for so long. I just never thought…”

“I know.” Jeremy said softly, “Neither did I.”


	4. Angst Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can't really even call this a chapter, just a blurb. This is the angst ending. If you wanted the story to end on a happier note, please go back to chapter 3.

Michael cut Jeremy off by grabbing his hand, which was so warm in Jeremy’s own that it felt real, “Well, you can’t. You’re just going to have to live with the consequences for the rest of your life, and I’m not going to be there to help you.”

Trying to force back the sting of tears in his eyes, Jeremy wrenched them closed, and when he opened them again, the light had changed. It was still bright, but felt sterile and cold, and it took a moment for them to adjust to the change enough to focus on Mi- no. That wasn’t Michael. It was Christine. He looked down at his hand- it was Christine’s hand in his, not Michael’s. A broken sob tore from his throat and he drew his hand back, curling in on himself as his entire body shook with the force of raw emotions. “Jeremy?” Christine asked softly, worried, “Are you okay?”

Jeremy shook his head, but couldn’t find his voice to answer her properly. No, he wasn’t okay, and never would be again. Michael was gone. Michael had  _ loved _ him and now he was gone, and the last thing Jeremy had done was what killed him. Jeremy had killed Michael. He’d killed the only one who ever loved him just the way he was. How the hell was he supposed to live with that? Worse, how was he supposed to face a situation like this without his Player One to guide him? “Michael…” He whimpered, burying his face in his knees. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hurtful, right? I'm sorry there wasn't even a happy ending, but I want to hear if you guys want one? It seemed like this was a good place to end it, but if I get enough interest, I might make one more chapter of what happens while Jeremy is unconscious that would be slightly happier. So for right now this work is complete but I MAY or may not add another chapter. Also spawned some ideas with my lovely beta reader FreckleFrackleMarcoLove that I currently have no plans to write but if you want to see them written, ask and I might oblige because I love these boys. One is Michael haunting Jeremy and basically scaring the living shit out of him (not so much a revenge thing, and he wouldn't actually HURT Jeremy- this is still Michael we're talking about, but more just because he thinks it's hilarious and wants an excuse to hang around. Also wants Jeremy to know he's there). The other is sort of- so Jumanji. The recent one where the players get sucked into the game? That but it's Apocalypse of the Damned and Jeremy gets sucked into it after Michael died and Michael's soul is trapped in the game. In order to set them both free, they have to clear the whole game but there's a problem. I won't go too much into it in case I do end up writing it, but yeah! Thoughts please!


End file.
